#thank u for the ask sara ilu 💖💖💖

[hartigays]

tell me everything you possibly can/are willing to share about your detective billy au (where he went undercover and came back a year later to steve)!!! i really really loved that fic, it was so touching and sweet and TENDER.

on a surface level, i was inspired by a fic with a similar sort of idea, about someone having to leave for a bit for whatever reason and coming home and fearing the worst. and it made me think, what if billy was in a similar situation with steve? and then my thought process snowballed to: what if billy was a cop and had to go undercover? how would that time apart affect him and steve, but also billy himself? would it change them? would billy be scared that when he came home, nothing would be the same?

which led me to: of course it would, but i think love is a really powerful thing and these two boys have So Much of it to give each other. so this whole scene played out in my head of this overt struggle for billy and an emotional homecoming and steve just being steve, welcoming billy home with open arms because yeah, things might have changed, but steve is always going to be willing to change right along with billy. (not gonna lie, i also just really like the softness of the boys reuniting ft. reassurance and comfort, so that definitely had a lot to do with the way this ficlet played out.)

on a deeper level, it likely stems from this underlying fear that i’ve had before (recently, even) that i think others can also relate to. this feeling of distance between yourself and your partner or someone you love or even just someone you care about, whether it be physical distance or emotional distance, and the very real fear that distance like that can cause that person to love you less or cause you to get left behind. i think on some level we’ve all been scared that if were not at our best all the time, or if we’re not always around as much as we could (or want to) be, then the person you love might change their mind about you or fall out of love or any number of things. and it doesn’t have to be just romantic relationships, it can also be platonic friendships. just that natural, innate fear of being loved and cared about and that once we have it we’ll lose it, and seeking the reassurance that that hasn’t happened or isn’t happening or won’t happen.

most of the time, i just write without thinking. that sounds dumb, but i really do just sit down and just. start writing and see what happens. and later when i go back over my work i see the little underlying truths about it and how my own internal thoughts and feelings translate into my writing subconsciously. this was definitely a fic like that - it was a fun idea that was inspired by someone’s brilliant writing, and when it was done it was still a fun idea that took on something a little deeper, something that went a little further below the surface

x